A plan. A million question. No answers.

A plan. A path. An experience. A tragedy. A million questions. 

I am really struggling right now to find the clear picture of God's path for me. I have so many questions and can't find anyone who can answer them truthfully. 

I am a Christian. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe Jesus died for our sins and he will come back someday. Basically what I learned in Sunday school stuck with me. But I still can't fathom that God has a plan for everyone when such tragic things happen to good people. For example....

Both my grandpas are 91 and still kicking! They have lived full lives. Full of romance with their wives, love from their children and grandkids...and now great grandkids. They worked every day of their living to put food on the table and live comfortably. They were devoted to their communities in different clubs and organizations. They enjoyed their hobbies of fishing, golfing and cards. They lived a full healthy life. I believe it was God's plan for them. 

Then I think of the high school junior who died suddenly on July 6th in a car accident. the most talented, beautiful, young mother that died of cancer at 37. The innocent people that were just killed in Paris and California. Many whom reported having very strong religious beliefs. Was it really God's plan for them to be killed? Did He think, ok they will live to be 17, 33, 37, 48 etc. That's their "life" plan. I don't understand. 

I also don't understand how it could possibly be part of the plan to have a drawn out illness. Bringing physical and mental pain as the loved one is suffering and the family around them deals with the horrific pain of slowly losing them. I personally am losing my best friend daily and I can't make it stop. It's not fair. My heart is hurting so much. I just want to have her back. She isn't gone but she is at the same time. 

 My friend's dad needs a lung transplant desperately. Was it part of God's plan for him to have him have this lung disease? Hundreds of people are praying for him and why hasn't God helped him? 

I just don't understand. 

I'm not sure if i will ever find the answer to my questions. It may be one of the first questions I ask when I get to heaven. That after why God put fireants and sporks on this planet! Until then I have to trust that this is part of His plan. Even though right now it's a pretty bumpy road. 

What the what?!

Six months. It's been 6 months since I've updated this thing. Sorry mom. (Not that she's going to read this lol) Any who I'm back. 

Currently laying awake at 1:50am because my overactive mind won't shut up. Seriously. Hubs is next to me snoring away and I'm wide awake. 

Can I just tell you how much I love Adele? I can't believe how every song feels like she writes makes everyone feel like she wrote it for you. Love her hair too, just sayin. It's so nice to have a normal size person in the spotlight. Not saying there is anything wrong with skinny people, I dream of being one, it's just nice to see someone breaking the mold and not caring whilst. <-- my new favorite word. 

P.S. I totally want "hello" as my text tone. Put it on my to-do list for tomorrow. 

Speaking of, I'm curious to see how many things I can actually cross off my list tomorrow. Tonight I made 5 hats. Tomorrow I pick up books and start a blanket that ohhhh has to go out Friday. Am I crazy?! Yup! But alas I got what I wished for and my Etsy store has orders so I can't complain. However I am still figuring out how to get an extra hour in the day. Although I'm sure ironically that hour would probably fall in the middle of the night and then just make my insomnia longer. 

I'm on new medicine for the thyroid. Not sure how I feel about it. I was hoping that I would magically feel better. Didn't happen. Which is fine. My levels are coming down which is good. I'm now down to an 8.9 TSH (from 13.8) The only thing now is I am still having crazy swelling of my face and now my thyroid. I can feel it when I swallow. Not cool. I get an ultrasound next Friday so we will see. I'm just ready to figure this damn Hashi out. 

In other news...

The elves are back. Mr. & Mrs. Giggle are back to their crazy tricks. This after I lost one. It's funny you hide it from your children only to actually hide it from yourself when they "magically" fly away. Oops! Alas. Night 2 and I remembered to move them. Score. 

Random facts: 

- I love saying the alphabet backwards

- I found out that cordial has a "d" my way of spelling it "corgel" and my autocorrect couldn't figure it out 🙈

- For the first time this century I have a big toenail on my right foot!! (Surgery gone bad in 1999!) pedicure here I come!

- I miss having a best friend in the city limits

Whelp I'm off to try to sleep. 

Until later.