20/20 - Emetophbia

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Last Friday night I watched the story of my life unfold through Jessica Mellen and her struggles with emetophobia. Watching it made me cry. Not tears of fears seeing and hearing all the words they were talking about, but seeing that there are so many others out there going through the same thing. I related to it all down to the last chilling detail. I also cried happy tears when I sat back and looked at how far I have come.

I have had this for a long long time. I still haven't figured out when it started but I can remember all the way back into my early childhood that it terrified me to no end. Every time someone would even mention the word vomit or throw-up I would have an immediate anxiety attack. I would obsess over something as simple as a word. My stomach would immediately tense up, I would start to sweat and sometimes I couldn't help but start crying uncontrollably. Why was this happening to me?

If someone mentioned that the stomach flu was going around I would stock up on hand sanitizer and stay inside my house. I was "protecting" myself but in reality I was hurting myself and allowing my phobia to win. There were weeks when I wouldn't even leave my house because of my fear. I shut the world out. I like Mellen would rather be shot in the leg than throw up.

Talking to someone who doesn't have a phobia is one of the hardest things. They have a hard time relating to your fear. They laugh it off and tell you to simple get over it and it's not that big of a deal. But to those with this phobia it is a huge deal and those simple words make it worse. It affects every part of your life. What you eat, who you hang out with, what TV and movies you watch, where and how you travel...and so much more.

In this 20/20 story Mellen focuses on the fact that she is scared to get pregnant because she has a fear that she will get morning sickness. OH MY GOSH! This was my greatest fear in the world. Not only how I was going to get through pregnancy and labor but how was I going to be able to take care of my son when he gets sick? How would I react? I don't want my fears to be passed on to him.

The day I found out I was pregnant I stocked up on every remedy for morning sickness. Crackers, ginger ale, sprite, lemon drops, pistachios, motion sickness bands, dramamine, tummy drops, mint EVERYTHING, B6 and Unisom. I became obsessed. I didn't sleep for a few weeks. I honestly thought I would have a panic attack that might kill me. It wasn't pretty.

The three weeks I had nausea sent me into overdrive. I cried uncontrollably. I pictured the worst. I couldn't be consoled. I didn't leave the house. But guess what? It ended. At 14 weeks I felt pretty good. Had other horrible symptoms, but I wasn't feeling sick. So far so good!

One confession I have to admit is... I was so scared of hearing another pregnant mom getting sick in the bathroom of the doctor's office that I would wear ear plugs every time I had to leave a sample. Now if you think about how many times you have to go to the doctor while pregnant this is pretty ridiculous. However it provided me comfort. I still find random ear plugs in the bottom of my purses.

I made it through the pregnancy and a 21 hour labor.

Reid had reflux. Babies spit up I was well aware of this. But Reid was HORRIBLE. I quickly realized I could handle it. It gave me confidence I didn't know I had. I felt so empowered that I could handle this and I did!

Putting Reid in preschool when he was 21 months old was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Was I upset my son was growing up? No. Was I upset that he would be away from me? No. I was terrified that he would catch germs and bring them home. Again kind of ridiculous and a little selfish. But it was my fear. I bawled every time I dropped him off, but I never let him see me cry. I wanted him to see me as strong and not scared. He ended up catching a lot of different things but thankfully I handled them all.

When I got pregnant with Emmy things were different. I was prepared again with all my arsenal. And this pregnancy sucked. I felt sick all the time. Yup, definitely a girl pregnancy! I didn't even hesitate. I asked for drugs. I just couldn't function feeling sick and trying to take care of a toddler. It was an anxiety nightmare. The medicine helped and calmed me down at the same time. I made it through another pregnancy and had a beautiful baby girl!

After suffering from extreme postpartum depression and anxiety I decided I needed to go onto a medicine to control it. Wasn't my first choice but I had no choice, I was hurting badly and it was affecting my entire family. This was the best decision I have ever made.

Reid has had a few episodes of throwing up. Now do I like it? HECK NO. But with all the work that I have done and with the medicine I do not run as far away. Like the time I drove to Colorado in college because my roommate got sick. Shawn is quick to help Reid and I. He supports me and understand that I will tell him how much I can handle. He has been absolutely amazing and supportive during this.

It has taken me at least 25 years to say this but I feel like I am making huge strides with my phobia! I am not cured in any means but I am at a place I never could have imagined I would be. I'm hoping that this fear doesn't get passed down to my children because I don't want anyone to have to suffer from this phobia. But if it does I will be aware of it and help them work through it.