A plan. A million question. No answers.

A plan. A path. An experience. A tragedy. A million questions. 

I am really struggling right now to find the clear picture of God's path for me. I have so many questions and can't find anyone who can answer them truthfully. 

I am a Christian. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe Jesus died for our sins and he will come back someday. Basically what I learned in Sunday school stuck with me. But I still can't fathom that God has a plan for everyone when such tragic things happen to good people. For example....

Both my grandpas are 91 and still kicking! They have lived full lives. Full of romance with their wives, love from their children and grandkids...and now great grandkids. They worked every day of their living to put food on the table and live comfortably. They were devoted to their communities in different clubs and organizations. They enjoyed their hobbies of fishing, golfing and cards. They lived a full healthy life. I believe it was God's plan for them. 

Then I think of the high school junior who died suddenly on July 6th in a car accident. the most talented, beautiful, young mother that died of cancer at 37. The innocent people that were just killed in Paris and California. Many whom reported having very strong religious beliefs. Was it really God's plan for them to be killed? Did He think, ok they will live to be 17, 33, 37, 48 etc. That's their "life" plan. I don't understand. 

I also don't understand how it could possibly be part of the plan to have a drawn out illness. Bringing physical and mental pain as the loved one is suffering and the family around them deals with the horrific pain of slowly losing them. I personally am losing my best friend daily and I can't make it stop. It's not fair. My heart is hurting so much. I just want to have her back. She isn't gone but she is at the same time. 

 My friend's dad needs a lung transplant desperately. Was it part of God's plan for him to have him have this lung disease? Hundreds of people are praying for him and why hasn't God helped him? 

I just don't understand. 

I'm not sure if i will ever find the answer to my questions. It may be one of the first questions I ask when I get to heaven. That after why God put fireants and sporks on this planet! Until then I have to trust that this is part of His plan. Even though right now it's a pretty bumpy road. 

What the what?!

Six months. It's been 6 months since I've updated this thing. Sorry mom. (Not that she's going to read this lol) Any who I'm back. 

Currently laying awake at 1:50am because my overactive mind won't shut up. Seriously. Hubs is next to me snoring away and I'm wide awake. 

Can I just tell you how much I love Adele? I can't believe how every song feels like she writes makes everyone feel like she wrote it for you. Love her hair too, just sayin. It's so nice to have a normal size person in the spotlight. Not saying there is anything wrong with skinny people, I dream of being one, it's just nice to see someone breaking the mold and not caring whilst. <-- my new favorite word. 

P.S. I totally want "hello" as my text tone. Put it on my to-do list for tomorrow. 

Speaking of, I'm curious to see how many things I can actually cross off my list tomorrow. Tonight I made 5 hats. Tomorrow I pick up books and start a blanket that ohhhh has to go out Friday. Am I crazy?! Yup! But alas I got what I wished for and my Etsy store has orders so I can't complain. However I am still figuring out how to get an extra hour in the day. Although I'm sure ironically that hour would probably fall in the middle of the night and then just make my insomnia longer. 

I'm on new medicine for the thyroid. Not sure how I feel about it. I was hoping that I would magically feel better. Didn't happen. Which is fine. My levels are coming down which is good. I'm now down to an 8.9 TSH (from 13.8) The only thing now is I am still having crazy swelling of my face and now my thyroid. I can feel it when I swallow. Not cool. I get an ultrasound next Friday so we will see. I'm just ready to figure this damn Hashi out. 

In other news...

The elves are back. Mr. & Mrs. Giggle are back to their crazy tricks. This after I lost one. It's funny you hide it from your children only to actually hide it from yourself when they "magically" fly away. Oops! Alas. Night 2 and I remembered to move them. Score. 

Random facts: 

- I love saying the alphabet backwards

- I found out that cordial has a "d" my way of spelling it "corgel" and my autocorrect couldn't figure it out 🙈

- For the first time this century I have a big toenail on my right foot!! (Surgery gone bad in 1999!) pedicure here I come!

- I miss having a best friend in the city limits

Whelp I'm off to try to sleep. 

Until later. 

Nail or Fail: superglue

Last week Reid came to me and asked me to glue his plane that had broken. No problem! I glued it and put it up on the counter and explained not to touch until mommy gave the all clear. Well he didn't listen. Immediately tears because his fingers got glue on them. Not just any glue but superglue. Great. ER? Attempt to get it off with water? Nope! Here's what I did! 

 

First I grabbed some butter and salt. It would work with any corse grain also. Just needs to be hard enough to make an exfoliant. Slowly I rubbed the butter between his fingers until they were freed. It greased it enough to pull apart. Then I mixed the salt in and rubbed the glue off. 

This was definitely a NAIL! I will always be grabbing the butter and salt when I myself glue my fingers together. Let's face it. It happens about once a month. The other day I glued a light bulb to my hand. Ya it's a long story.... 

Monday Mash-up

I will get to my review on the Bachelorette tomorrow morning since I am a bad fan and didn't watch it. BUT have no fear I was watching The Royals full season with dear hubby. He wouldn't watch it all season and then after the finale he watched one episode and was hooked. Love it! 

This weekend went by so fast. In fact it's actually not the weekend today. However it was Memorial Day so i guess it is the weekend. Nevermind!  This pretty much sums up the weekend! 

First I would like to take a second to remember that this weekend isn't about bbqs and picnics or the Colonial. It's about the brave men and women who fight for our freedom. I can't imagine being in their shoes. I will never be that strong. They are amazing people and for them I proudly raise the American flag and am proud of this wonderful country. 

It pretty much has been raining for the entire month of May and this weekend wasn't much different. Thankfully Saturday my parents were able to get in from Colorado before the storms hit. I can't believe the rain. I am not ready to say "please stop raining" because then it will be 100 degrees. I'm not ready! 

We went and had dinner at my parents tonight. It was fun eating a ton of food and having a couple gin and tonics. My parents got the kiddos a mini cupcake for  dessert. Here is what happened with Miss E! It was everywhere, but she was happy! 

I finished 2 blankets this weekend. One for Shawn and another for a friend who is having a baby. I started another for a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I am hoping a bright warm blanket will help bring comfort to her recovery. 

In 2 days Shawn will have his next surgery. Although we know what to expect knowing what to expect is making us nervous. Thankfully he only has 2 hips so this will be his last replacement! Haha I crack myself up! I'll update on his progress after surgery. I shall leave you with a funny! 

Wacky Wednesday

Today was the day I've been dreading since September 1...summer break. HA! Yes today was the last day of 3s for Reid. I cannot believe how much he has grown. It baffles me. At the beginning of the year he was still very quiet and hate to say this a little behind on a few things. Now he's calling out letters, spelling names, knows his colors and can write his own name. Is he a genius!? Nope! But he's hilarious, pationate and all boy! 

Here he is the first day and the last day and a picture with his teachers.  He's actually going to miss going to school as much as I will miss sending him! Kid only missed 3 days of school (MWF) this whole year! 

Other happenings around the homestead. Shawn is doing wonderfully on his road to recovery from his first hip replacement. In 1 week he will have the other hip replaced. We will once again be hibernating this weekend to stay healthy and spend as much time as a family before daddy is immobile for a few weeks.

 

Emmy was suppose to have tubes put in her ears yesterday but over the weekend she got the crud. I didn't feel it would be ok to put her under any type of anesthesia with this horrible cough and fever. We will reschedule it in a few weeks. Tomorrow she has her 18 month appointment. She's been hilarious lately and will do anything to make you laugh! 

Tonight was the finale of Survivor! I'm hoping this next season I will do a weekly recap like I am for the Bachelorette and will be for Big Brother. I was thrilled with how tonight turned out. My favorite from day 1, Mike, won!!! Good ole Texas oil man!! They announced the next cast and I am beyond thrilled!! Can't wait. 

Sooooo I did something absolutely crazy! I'm so not the one to party, get drunk and do random things. Not that there is anything wrong with that but I would prefer to stay home with my cat, a glass of wine and do a puzzle. Well that being said I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and yesterday when Shawn and I had a day date so I decided to be a little crazy. On a Tuesday afternoon I walked into a tattoo parlor and got a tattoo. WTH!!! I have wanted a tattoo since college but never did it. I was looking on Pinterest and found the perfect one. It represents me in so many ways. It's simple, kind of artsy and a love of mine. Plus it's in remembrance of George, my beloved cat. My mother in law did remind me that most people get their children's names on them rather than a pet, but y'all know I have such a passion for cats and animals this is so fitting! This is by far the craziest thing I have ever done. And it will probably be another 10 years until I do it again, if ever, because this hurt like hell. Haha! My parents are going to freak out. Even at 32 I am still scared of my parents. But it's there...no turning back now. 

That's about it!! Bring on summer!! 

My Two Cents: the Bachelorette night 2 of night 1

WARNING: SPOILERS

Alas night 2. Which totally could have been put into night 1. Just saying. Again I don't edit. 

Enter Chris Harrison again. Totally felt like the last rose ceremony when you are waiting to see who gets out of the limo first....and it's.... Britt. Sorry Britt these men don't want to date you. You're 15 hours as the bachelorette in the mansion are over. ::cue tears in a limo:: 

Congratulations: KAITLYN! 

(Cat is finally out of the bag. Well at least for the people who don't look online!) 

Chris informs her they will still have a rose cocktail party and rose ceremony. The men start immediately switching back to they have to seek out the girl! And we are back to normal! 

Small talk. Small talk. And then comes the dentist swooping in. I didn't realize he was that cute. Maybe I was distracted because he came in in the cupcake on wheels. First kiss. Ok I'm not against kissing on the first date. However I may be a little against kissing within the first ohhhh 10 minutes that you've talked to someone. Just putting that out there. BTW major chemistry. 

Then Shawn. Ohhh Shawn. I may have accidentally said those words out loud and my real Shawn asked what?! Oops!! Anyway. I swoon. And they kiss. BTW more chemistry. AND he gets the first impression rose! BAM! 

Then the rose ceremony. I'm just not a fan of the ceremony the first night. I don't know these guys and they all just run together. Shawn, Dentist or not Shawn, not Dentist. So it ends and they toast. On to new adventures. 

Did anyone else see when they were leaving after the rose ceremony that it was morning?!? Ha that's one long cocktail party!! 

Then we come to the sneak peak of the season. Normally it's all lovey dovey kissing, falling in love and then a little drama. FREEZE. This season is awkward. No seriously. The previews made me uncomfortable. First off Nick. Ew. Really Kaitlyn? WHY DO GIRLS LIKE JERKS? Just putting that out there. Did she not watch Andi's season? 

Then we get the whole sex thing thrown in our faces. Whoa. Ok we all know they have sex in the fantasy suite. If you think they don't then excuse me your time machine is ready to take you back to 1950. Dude they have sex. Bob slept with like 6 girls on his season. I don't know why they are making a big deal about it. But it did seem like the producers stopped it or interrupted something. Guess we will have to find out. 

From the previews we will have a lot of fighting, sex and man tears. Should be interesting!! 

Until next Monday! 

My Two Cents: bachelorette night 1 (spoilers)

WARNING: SPOILERS. Reader beware! 

Oh Chris Harrison you grace my TV again on Monday nights, I missed you! Tonight's premier brought new emotions out of me. I was actually curious more about how things were going to play out with 2 Bachelorettes. To be honest I think this concept hurt the show. 

With my two cents here is what I thought about the first night:  awkward. I hated it. I do not like change. I was too busy watching how the ladies were reacting to each other to when the men got out of the limo that I don't remember any of them, except Shawn. Making them vote is too much like Survivor. Plus the ones who wanted the other girl and now going to be taking the spots of other men who wanted that girl. It's all just plan awkward! Here's my breakdown. 

First the men. Ok the opening packages left me a little underwhelmed. Seriously, a hot fireman....no wait a stripper. Dude you have a law degree and you're stripping? Ew. The weird yoga dude feeling energies. Ew. Not looking good. 

Then we re-meet the girls and what went wrong with Chris. Blah blah blah. It's kind of a fast forward section. We already know what happened. Granted new people haven't seen it because they have been living under a rock. Everyone who cares about this show knows. Anyway I'm not editing! 

When the limos finally arrive and both girls get out to meet Chris it immediately gets awkward. Cut the air with a knife awkward. I do believe they said awkward a million times. Thank goodness i wasn't in a drinking game for that word. Maybe drunk guy was playing all along!!! 

Then the men start arriving and when they get out of the limo they pick between who to say hi to first. There really wasn't any other way of doing this, but seriously it hurt to watch. It totally showed everyone going to Britt first with Kaitly standing there all .... awkward. Some of the guys even went back and forth saying the same things. Awkward. Then the gifts. The stupid little gifts. They only brought one so hmmm who do they give it to? Awkward. The whole thing just was weird. Not a fan. 

Will say the ones who impressed me were Shawn ...ok he's the only name I remember! Hahaha!! There of course were the crazy guys. The guy with the helium balloons, the cupcake dentist, the "carpool" was pretty clever. I did like the hockey puck sexual induendo! HA! Over all nothing that stood out...except Shawn! 

The cocktail party. Same old thing. This time however it wasn't really the guys trying to talk to the bachelorette rather the bachelorette trying to talk to all the guys. Very mind blowing twist. Awkward. A couple highlights I thought. Shawn. 

This drawing was so cute and so is Shawn. See it's ok for me to say this because my husband's name is Shawn and I love Shawn. My husband. 😂🙈

Another funny was this drawing brought by ....not Shawn. Haha totally forgot his name. Anyway the drawing is what matters. This will forever be burned into my memory! 

Unfortunately Harrison didn't ride in on his dinosaur to explain how this was going to work. He did say that the men would be voting for who would stay or go. Why are they trying to mix Survivor in is beyond me. And seriously you have to vote with roses? In a rose shaped cut out? 

PS anyone else find it creepy that the boxes put off energy for this guy to know which to choose?!? 

The Drunk

Everyone who is in the know knows that these cocktail parties go ALL night. Sometimes the rose ceremony isn't until the predawn hours. Drinks are flowing. There is always, always, ALWAYS the one who is over served. And again that happens. Not Shawn drank way too much and became uber jerk. Ummm he called the Bachelorettes hoes and grabbed Kaitlyn's bum. Not cool dude. Although watching him fall OUT of the pool was entertaining and awkward. 

Of course we ended the show not knowing who the bachelorette is. Harrison was seen counting the red roses and walking to inform the ladies.  ....to be continued. Awkward.

My Two Cents: The Bachelorette(s) before it airs

             Photo: ABC/Craig Sjodin

I am and always will be a die hard Bachelor / Bachelorette fan. I don't know why but this show is my guilty pleasure. I have watched from season 1. I've seen the good and the horrific! I've watched all the weddings and even Bachelor in Paradise. And not surprising I can't wait for it to come back on this August. But first this season of The Bachelorette. 

Like everyone I was so excited to see who the next bachelorette was going to be on the After Rose show. My money was on Kaitlyn. Sure enough she was. BUT WAIT. So was Britt....WTH? Two Bachelorettes? Chris Harrison you threw me for a loop. I am not a Britt fan just fyi!

I have been racking my brain about how this will work. Not only is it weird watching 1 girl date 25 guys how weird is it going to be watching TWO girls date the SAME guys?! Eww. Alas I watched the commercials and read about it on the Internet. 

Supposedly the guys pick which one they want on night 1.  So what in the world is the point of making a big deal about having 2 Bachelorettes? I'm more confused than a chameleon in a skittles bag right now. 

I really don't think they should have changed their format. We, the crazy-obsessed-Monday-night-cancel-all-plans-text-all-friends-drink-wine fans will always watch! Change freaks me out! Haha 

So Monday night I will be watching the 2 Bachelorettes battle for the space as the bachelorette I guess. Even though I already know who it is ...did I mention I also love spoilers?!... I will watch with my cat, cell phone and wine! 

Bruce Jenner Interview - opinion

Like all the other millions of people I was very excited to see what this interview was all about. I have been a Kardashian fan for a long time. I have a deep respect for Bruce. He's an amazing athlete and from all I can tell a very good dad. This interview touched some really deep feeling about this that I didn't know I had. 

I will admit as much as anyone watching I had no idea where this was going to go. Would he come out saying he's a woman and cross dress throughout? At first I wondered if this was a publicity stunt and Diane Sawyer said many had the same question. But when you really look at his eyes you know it's for real. This would be a pretty elaborate stunt, even for a Kardashian/Jenner. 

Looking back at his Olympic journey he was so masculine and embodied everything you think of when you see a male athlete. Large muscles, masculine features and you almost can see the testosterone pouring out of him. It's baffling that he felt like a woman inside even in such a masculine body. 

Throughout the interview it felt like he was getting happier and happier talking about his new self ...her. It was like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. He felt free. Free from this secret he had been hiding for 60 years. Imagine that feeling? 

I have respect for his doing this interview. He didn't have to. But unfortunately with our lives today with social media, paparazzi, and reality tv there really wasn't any way to hide it from the world. His whole journey is documented in photos and film. I can't imagine having my every move captured on film. For instance when he was in that horrific deadly car accident and the paparazzi were there filming the whole thing. Have some respect people! 

I personally do not understand this gender identity / transgender thing nor will I ever. I do however feel it is a real thing and with so many people going through it it need to be talked about and accepted more. A doctor said she has had patients as young as 18 months know they were born in the wrong body....that's Emmy's age. 

As a Christian it does say in the Bible that a man shouldn't dress in women's clothing.  Like the doctor said in the interview, it obviously was happening back then because they had to say don't do it. Seriously though, why does it matter if he wears woman's clothing? Imaging if we were were all blind. We wouldn't have ANY idea if we were wearing girls or boys clothes. Would it matter then?

I am baffled (although not much I guess) about how many people out there are judging Bruce. As well as other transgender people. We judge because it is weird and different. I am guilty of judging people, I will admit. But in the end there is only 1 person who can judge a person and that is God. The mean and hurtful things I have read and heard about this make me sick to my stomach. He is a human like you and me and deserves respect. You might not agree with his decisions but he/she still has feelings and a soul. 

I do swing towards the more conservative side of the spectrum in my life and life choices. But in all reality I may be one of the most open people when it comes to different lifestyles. I grew up with a family member who was gay. I actually didn't realize he was until I was older. I just thought it was normal to have 2 uncles. I loved them both equally. Some of our closest friends are lesbians. I always forget this because they are just our dear friends. I hate labeling people like that. It's not fair. 

I think it's amazing that his children are there to support him through this. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to share with his family. He's lucky to have their support and understanding. It would be hard for anyone to hear that after so long things would change. But I think it's better now that they are adults rather than when they were children. 

All in all it was a very good interview. Opened my eyes to his life and transition into being a woman. Of course there are a million questions running through my head but most will never be answered and that ok. 

Finer Family Brain Dump

I have a lot on my mind and just want to get it all out there.....

First of all this week was a long week. I'm not sure why just way. Had a lot of things to do for a lot of people. Thankful it's Friday. Although as a mom a Friday feels like any other day. 

Today was Shawn's last day of work for 2.5 months. It's weird. The last time he was home for this long was the time he was unemployed. It makes me think back to that time. It was such a difficult time in our lives. Transitioning to married life, getting settled in our new house, dealing with anxiety etc. If I learned one thing from that experience it was not to take it for granted. Although Shawn will be recovering from surgery we are going to treasure this time together! 

Tonight we had crazy weather. The news has been talking about tornados and severe weather all week. Being me I had our "shelter" in the bathroom ready all 3 days. Overkill? Yes!! Today when we were put under a Tornado Watch I giggled because let's face it I have lost faith in the weathermen. Temporarily that is!! 😜 I went ahead and put the board up over the window and got things ready. We took our car over to my parents garage just incase there was hail. When I came home I put the kids in bed and went to watch the weather with Shawn. Immediately they started talking about the severe storm in Tarrant County. It wasn't 5 minutes later that the sky turned green. I've always heard about the pea green. It was weird. Then they news said they were issuing a Tornado Warning for the TCU area and around Hulen Mall. We got the kids and the cat in the bathroom and waited it out. Thankfully we didn't have any damage or loss of power. We did have an 80mph wind gust here. Yikes!! Thank goodness I had the storm shelter ready! 

This just made me laugh! I love looking at all the funny things on Pinterest and sharing them with friends! And it makes my day when friends send them to me. Seriously it's that simple. 

And another!!!! Haha those scary tomatoes. 

I am really bummed about this Blue Bell ice cream recall. It's scary yes but honestly I don't think the loyal ice cream eaters will not go back to eating it. I will! Haha It's such a summer staple. There's nothing better than ice cream on a hot Texas summer day! 

I got my hair done! Added a little blonde back. I love my natural hair but just couldn't explain some of my thoughts! Need an excuse! Plus it's just "me" to have blonde hair. Here I am cooking. 

Alright. That is all! 

Pre-op: 6 days - talking to your kids about surgery

A little lightheartedness during this time helps! 

As this surgery grows near it's becoming more and more real, this is actually going to happen. This afternoon we have a pre-op appointment with the surgeon and should know more about time and length of the surgery. We have a ton of questions, well atleast I do! 

One of our biggest challenges is how much do we tell the kiddos, mostly Reid. Emmy has no idea what is going on since she is only 18 months old. Although she is very helpful in getting Shawn's cane for him and picking things up that he drops. Reid, being 4.5, however is very aware of things going on. 

When Shawn's hip really started to deteriorate Reid picked up on this. Daddy couldn't play like he used to and had to sit down a lot to play catch. We were very open with him about how much pain daddy was in. We told him that his hips hurt and that he needs to take breaks a lot. Reid understood and would say "daddy's hips hurt so he can't play right now." I quickly learned how to play catch, wrestle, and fight monsters and bad guys!

Of course this also backfired a little. The other day when I asked Reid to pick up his toys in the playroom of course his "hips hurt" so he couldn't move off the couch. Little toot!! 

We told him a few months ago when we had an official date for surgery that daddy would be getting new hips. We explained that they would be putting the new hips inside daddy. He had a lot of questions. Mostly when not so much how. For a few weeks every time Shawn left the house Reid would ask "did you get new hips?" This now has ended. I think he forgot that he was actually getting new ones. 

One thing I am struggling with is how much do we include him in this process. Next Wedneday he will be in school during surgery. I am hoping that we can have a normal day as usual with his schedule. To keep things calm. My mom will be staying with Emmy and picking him up from school. We have done this before so it won't be out of the ordinary. 

Then do we take him to the hospital to see daddy? I just don't know how he will react to that. When I had Emmy he could have cared less about his new baby sister he was more concerned about my IV booboo. And if I was ok. He's very emotional about us especially when one of us is hurt. Will he be traumatized seeing Shawn in so much pain? In so many ways I want to keep him sheltered from it all and keep this childhood innocence forever! 

After the surgery we will have to explain to Reid how much he can touch / not touch Shawn. I know it's going to be so hard not to let him jump on daddy and wrestle. Hopefully he will understand that daddy needs to heal. 

I probably shouldn't worry or plan all this right now because a lot of it will be decided when the time comes...in 6 days. 

Pre-Op - 10 days away

We are almost to the single digits in days before hip replacement surgery #1. I can't believe it almost here. 

I met Shawn 13 years ago on April 17, 2002. That night Shawn and I talked for hours sitting outside on a beautiful spring night. He explained everything about the bone disease in his hips, multiple epiphyseal dysplasia. 

From Wiki: multiple epiphyseal dysplasia (MED) is a rare genetic disorder (dominant form—1 in 10,000 births) which affects the growing ends of bones. Bones usually elongate by a process that involves the depositing of cartilage at the ends of the bones, called ossification. This cartilage then mineralizes and hardens to become bone. In MED, this process is defective.

I had no idea what it meant or if it was really serious or not. He didn't show his pain that night. If you had told me then that 13 years later we would be anxiously awaiting hip replacement surgeries I would have laughed. 

Throughout the last 13 years his hips have greatly disintegrated. So much so the last 3 months he hasn't been able to do more than walk a few feet before his hips start throbbing, or pop out of place. It's heart breaking to say the least. He's such a proud man and it's killing him not to be able to do simple tasks such as playing with his children or taking off his socks. 

Our life right now is shifting into the new "normal."  I have had to take on the responsibilities that we normally share as a team and the tasks that he is responsible for. Such as mowing the yard, who knew I could do it! Granted I bruised my finger, sliced a fingernail off and somehow made the mower backfire. But the grass was cut! It's very challenging for me to accept these new roles on top of my own. Taking care of the kids, the house, my husband, work, helping my mom and dad while figuring out my own health issues. It's a lot to take on. 

But there's that little clause in our marriage vows that I repeat on a daily basis. "In sickness and in health." Right now it is my turn to take care of him. There may come a time in the future where he needs to take care of me and I know for sure he would take great care of me. So I am here to take care of him! 

Things to remember

Medical Journey

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when I knew something was wrong but I do remember the first time I felt this pain. I was about 4 months pregnant with Reid. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought oh no I have the flu. My arms and legs hurt like I have never felt before. Now 4.5 years later I have an answer. 

The doctor said it was just a weird pregnancy symptom. They always chalk it up to pregnancy and that's definitely a valid answer because pregnancy does weird things to your body. She ran a few tests and my thyroid was a little elevated but not enough to warrant anything. And wouldn't you know the day I had Reid the pain stopped. 

The second I got pregnant with Emmy I knew I was pregnant before the positive test because my arms and legs started hurting. This pregnancy was rough. I was in so much pain from literally day one. 

Again she tested my thyroid and it was a little elevated but again nothing to do about it. As soon as Emmy was born the pain stopped again! Maybe it was just pregnancy?!

After Emmy's first birthday the pain came back. I got scared I was pregnant. Phew nope! Just pain and excruciating at that. I chalked it up to carrying 2 children and running around like ...well... a mom! But then I got a lot of other weird symptoms. 

My hair and my nails started to break easily. My vision started doing weird things. Doubling and coming in and out of focus. I was cold which is very unlike me! My skin was dry. I would sweat at weird times/places and all the time  But worst of all was the weight gain. 

I've struggled with weight issues in my past. It wasn't pretty. Yes after both pregnancies it's been hard to lose the weight. Partly because of postpartum issues. I just kept putting on the weight. But then I noticed no matter how healthy I ate the scale would creep up. And then 24 pounds in 3 month? WHAT?? I felt horrible. 

Between the pain and the weight I just knew something wasn't right. I made an appointment with my primary doctor. I will admit this visit was over due. 

Now one thing you need to know is I loath doctor's offices. Like with a passion. Sitting with other people freaks me out to the high heavens. Get me to the room and I'm fine. But waiting not so much. I had Shawn come with me for moral support. 

I saw the doctor and told her everything that was going on. She asked a ton of questions too. The biggest was my family history of autoimmune diseases. Well since I am adopted I don't know any of my medical history. I so wish I knew something, anything. After seeing the her I went and got my blood drawn. 

Then waited for the results. The first ones came in and looked ok. I have high cholesterol which is fine. Not crazy high but enough. All the other stuff looked good! Glucose, liver function, kidney function, blood cell counts etc. Then the thyroid number came through and I was a 13.7 with the normal range expected to be between 2-5. There is was Hypothyroidism. But everything else looked good.

The nurse called and put me on synthroid to start and see them again in 6 weeks. 

So here goes the beginning of my health story. My quest to figure this all out! 

This is how I feel!

Invitations - Social anxiety nightmare

Getting an invitation in the mail is so exciting! The birthday parties, weddings, baby showers, and other holiday events can be so much fun. But with social anxiety each invitation is a true test. 

This weekend we had an invitation to a friend's Easter egg hunt, so much fun! I was looking forward to it. Reid was so excited to go and Emmy was just excited about her new basket. 

I woke up early Saturday morning full of worry. There was the usual: what was I going to wear? What were the kids going to wear? Would they match? The usual. But then started the anxiety questions. What if I don't know anyone? What if they judge me? What if they talk to me and I am a stumbling bumbling idiot? What if I sweat and they don't understand and think I'm just the weird sweating girl? Oh dear goodness the questions just didn't end. 

After a quick morning nap, I was up all night from insomnia, I decided to push past the fear and enjoy this fun event with the kids. 

Of course my clothes were dirty but I didn't let this sidetrack me and I was able to find a simple outfit, pulled my hair in a ponytail and off I went. 

And guess what?! I was ok!!! 

I knew a couple people and the rest I let Shawn talk to, Mr. Social! The kids had a great time and Emmy found her first egg. After a fun hunt we left and went back for nap time. I passed out from exhaustion from anxiety. We all slept over 3 hours!

Emergency Preparedness Kit - What's in my bag

With the beginning of storm season upon us it was time to update our family Emergency Preparedness Kit. I update it every year with new food and clothing in appropriate sizes. You can never fully be prepared for what mother nature will have in store but it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

Growing up in Colorado I was not familiar with tornado weather. We did have severe storms and heavy rain with hail but tornados don't form high in the Rocky Mountains. When I moved to Texas in 2001 I was in for a shock. The first year I was here I spent some time in the girls bathroom waiting for tornados to pass over. This Colorado girl was shaking in her cowboy boots!

I've always had a fascination with weather and once moving to Texas my fascination became a passion.  You will find me watching The Weather Channel all day during storm season. I even watch storm chasers live streaming while chasing storms. ::side note:: My first son may be named after a storm chaser... ok just halfway inspired by him. (The other half a contestant from The Bachelorette! HA) :: I'm considered the weather girl of the family. They call me to see what the weather conditions are going to be! Also if a severe storm with large hail or a tornado is coming towards them I call immediately. Heck, give me your phone number and I will put you on my call list!! I've watched the destruction that tornados can cause and I hope that in my life I will never have to live through it but if it does happen here is how I will be prepared.

Here is what is inside our bag for a family of 4 plus 1 cat:
- 1 ziplock with essentials
     - 2 flashlights
     - extra batteries
     - scissors
     - radio
     - matches
     - marker / paper
- 1 ziplock with essential papers (identification cards, medical cards, insurance papers)
- 2 first aid kits
- 4 small towels (1 per person)
- 1 or 2 pairs of working gloves
- 1 ziplock of small food items
- 1 baby bag - diapers, Advil/Tylenol with syringe
- 1 pack of baby wipes
- 1 ziplock of clothes per person (shirt, shorts, socks, underwear)
- 1 bottle of water per person
- 1 bag / can of cat food and bowl
- 1 pet collar
- 1 roll of toilet paper and cotton balls
- a few small toys

Outside the bag:
- 1 pair of shoes with soles per person
- 1 bicycle helmet per person
- 1 cat carrier
- 1 set of car keys

Everything should fit into the backpack. You don't want to be carrying around a suitcase. Only pack the essentials. Also packing in ziplock backs allows for organization, keeps things dry and also packs flat. Shown here are the gloves, small towels and a packed bag.

In the front pocket of the bag I keep a ziplock with the above items. These allow for quick access to flashlights, matches and scissors. Also keep one of the First Aid Kits in the front of top for a quick grab. 

Pictured here are my 4 bottles of water. You don't have to have a lot of water because it would be impossible to carry but at least 1 for each person. Both First Aid kits are pictured here. They including everything burn ointments, bandaids, ace bandages, a tourniquet, finger splints, antiseptic, gauze, etc. A large package of wipes not only for baby but also for cleaning off. The baby bag has diapers, infant Tylenol and children's Advil with syringes. A ziplock of non perishable food. I include granola bars, crackers, fruit snacks and applesauce. Easy to carry and again one per person. Update these yearly.

One thing that haunts me when I think about severe storms is losing my animals. They are very dear to me and depend on me for their safety. Don't forget to include stuff for them! I have the collar which I put on immediately when there is a warning with a tag with his name and our phone numbers. A can of food and a bag of dry food with a bowl. Update food each year. 

I include 3 bags of clothes. Each one of us has a shirt, pants/shorts, a pair of underwear and a pair of socks. The children's clothes are smaller and can be in one bag. Update these each year as children grow into new sizes. 

Bathroom essentials! You never know when you will have to go so toilet paper is a must. I also included extra cotton balls just to have on hand. 

When we are in our safety room we each wear a helmet. I have 4 of them. This way our heads are protected from falling debris. Up to 22% of people who die in a tornado died from a head injury. I am not willing to take that chance. Plus the kiddos look really cute sitting there with helmets on. Make it a fun game for them to wear them.

I know some will say this is an overkill but I feel like I would rather be over prepared than under prepared. Safety comes first in our family!

So that is our Emergency Preparedness Kit, what is in yours?!?!

20/20 - Emetophbia

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Last Friday night I watched the story of my life unfold through Jessica Mellen and her struggles with emetophobia. Watching it made me cry. Not tears of fears seeing and hearing all the words they were talking about, but seeing that there are so many others out there going through the same thing. I related to it all down to the last chilling detail. I also cried happy tears when I sat back and looked at how far I have come.

I have had this for a long long time. I still haven't figured out when it started but I can remember all the way back into my early childhood that it terrified me to no end. Every time someone would even mention the word vomit or throw-up I would have an immediate anxiety attack. I would obsess over something as simple as a word. My stomach would immediately tense up, I would start to sweat and sometimes I couldn't help but start crying uncontrollably. Why was this happening to me?

If someone mentioned that the stomach flu was going around I would stock up on hand sanitizer and stay inside my house. I was "protecting" myself but in reality I was hurting myself and allowing my phobia to win. There were weeks when I wouldn't even leave my house because of my fear. I shut the world out. I like Mellen would rather be shot in the leg than throw up.

Talking to someone who doesn't have a phobia is one of the hardest things. They have a hard time relating to your fear. They laugh it off and tell you to simple get over it and it's not that big of a deal. But to those with this phobia it is a huge deal and those simple words make it worse. It affects every part of your life. What you eat, who you hang out with, what TV and movies you watch, where and how you travel...and so much more.

In this 20/20 story Mellen focuses on the fact that she is scared to get pregnant because she has a fear that she will get morning sickness. OH MY GOSH! This was my greatest fear in the world. Not only how I was going to get through pregnancy and labor but how was I going to be able to take care of my son when he gets sick? How would I react? I don't want my fears to be passed on to him.

The day I found out I was pregnant I stocked up on every remedy for morning sickness. Crackers, ginger ale, sprite, lemon drops, pistachios, motion sickness bands, dramamine, tummy drops, mint EVERYTHING, B6 and Unisom. I became obsessed. I didn't sleep for a few weeks. I honestly thought I would have a panic attack that might kill me. It wasn't pretty.

The three weeks I had nausea sent me into overdrive. I cried uncontrollably. I pictured the worst. I couldn't be consoled. I didn't leave the house. But guess what? It ended. At 14 weeks I felt pretty good. Had other horrible symptoms, but I wasn't feeling sick. So far so good!

One confession I have to admit is... I was so scared of hearing another pregnant mom getting sick in the bathroom of the doctor's office that I would wear ear plugs every time I had to leave a sample. Now if you think about how many times you have to go to the doctor while pregnant this is pretty ridiculous. However it provided me comfort. I still find random ear plugs in the bottom of my purses.

I made it through the pregnancy and a 21 hour labor.

Reid had reflux. Babies spit up I was well aware of this. But Reid was HORRIBLE. I quickly realized I could handle it. It gave me confidence I didn't know I had. I felt so empowered that I could handle this and I did!

Putting Reid in preschool when he was 21 months old was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Was I upset my son was growing up? No. Was I upset that he would be away from me? No. I was terrified that he would catch germs and bring them home. Again kind of ridiculous and a little selfish. But it was my fear. I bawled every time I dropped him off, but I never let him see me cry. I wanted him to see me as strong and not scared. He ended up catching a lot of different things but thankfully I handled them all.

When I got pregnant with Emmy things were different. I was prepared again with all my arsenal. And this pregnancy sucked. I felt sick all the time. Yup, definitely a girl pregnancy! I didn't even hesitate. I asked for drugs. I just couldn't function feeling sick and trying to take care of a toddler. It was an anxiety nightmare. The medicine helped and calmed me down at the same time. I made it through another pregnancy and had a beautiful baby girl!

After suffering from extreme postpartum depression and anxiety I decided I needed to go onto a medicine to control it. Wasn't my first choice but I had no choice, I was hurting badly and it was affecting my entire family. This was the best decision I have ever made.

Reid has had a few episodes of throwing up. Now do I like it? HECK NO. But with all the work that I have done and with the medicine I do not run as far away. Like the time I drove to Colorado in college because my roommate got sick. Shawn is quick to help Reid and I. He supports me and understand that I will tell him how much I can handle. He has been absolutely amazing and supportive during this.

It has taken me at least 25 years to say this but I feel like I am making huge strides with my phobia! I am not cured in any means but I am at a place I never could have imagined I would be. I'm hoping that this fear doesn't get passed down to my children because I don't want anyone to have to suffer from this phobia. But if it does I will be aware of it and help them work through it.

Pink Ruffle Blanket

 When I first found out that my best friend was going to have her 4th child I was beyond excited! I love making blankets for babies and this one was going to be very special. However bestie is one of those old soul folks who doesn't like to find out the sex of the baby. These people confuse us planners! Man I couldn't wait the 20 weeks with both my kiddos. I HAD to know ASAP! But I accepted this, however I begged to see the ultrasound pictures in hopes I could catch a glimpse of the nub for the nub theory or even look at the shape of their forehead. (Oh people you just wait for my post about different theories of gender!) However I didn't know and I waited. In the mean time I made a lot of blankets but as soon as I found out it was a girl I busted out my best advanced skills!

I love how this blanket turned out. It was a simple repetitive pattern in the I Love This Yarn Rosy Pink. One single crochet and one half double crochet. The body of the blanket took me 2 evenings of prime time TV. The ruffles on the other hand. BOY HOWDY!! There is over 800 yards of white yarn around this blanket. Phew! It took me over a week to finish the border. But it was so worth it.

It is a special blanket for a very special little girl. I can't wait to meet you Lauren Marie!